Journey in June-Right where I am: 5 months, 22 days

It has been 5 months and 22 days since my fourth child, Declan was stillborn.  In the time since he was born, I have learned many things about myself, my family, my friends, and even strangers.


I am learning how to live with a broken heart.

I am learning how to live when a piece of my soul is missing.

I am learning how to function in a state of sleep deprivation, I never knew existed.

I am learning how to parent my children when I lack the energy and motivation to do so.

I am learning to plan meals and create a grocery list when I have no desire to eat.

I am learning to pay my bills on time again.

(These last few months have been a feast of ordering out or mindlessly putting food items into the grocery cart, only to get home and realize I haven't bought what I need to cook a complete meal.  I don't think I have paid a bill on time since December, I didn't care that I was being charged late fees.  My son was dead, nothing mattered, I didn't care if the mortgage, utilities or credit card bill was paid on time.  It was only money, and if I didn't pay today- the bill would still be there tomorrow, unpaid.)

I am learning to let go of the anger I have toward people who have disappointed me.

I am learning to make new friends, (even if they are the other parents from our support group, or women from online babyloss forums).

I am learning that the people I thought were going to be my support system aren't.

I am learning to appreciate the small gestures and generosity of the people who do care.

I am learning to let go of the relationships that have been broken since Declan died.

I am learning how to organize a 501(c)3 non-profit organization.  We have established a memorial fund in Declan's honor to supply the hospital with outfits and hats for babies weighing 1-2 lbs who are stillborn. 

I am learning to cherish my husband and appreciate the new depth of our relationship.

I am learning to trust my instincts.  Something I didn't do while I was pregnant, and will regret for the rest of my life.

I am learning to declutter my life, and all aspects of it; my mind, my heart, my home.

I am learning to take care of myself.  I have given myself permission to protect my heart from hurtful and viscious people, words, and situations.

But most importantly I am learning how to live without my son, Declan.


~Corrine