Journey in June-Right where I am: 5 months, 22 days

It has been 5 months and 22 days since my fourth child, Declan was stillborn.  In the time since he was born, I have learned many things about myself, my family, my friends, and even strangers.


I am learning how to live with a broken heart.

I am learning how to live when a piece of my soul is missing.

I am learning how to function in a state of sleep deprivation, I never knew existed.

I am learning how to parent my children when I lack the energy and motivation to do so.

I am learning to plan meals and create a grocery list when I have no desire to eat.

I am learning to pay my bills on time again.

(These last few months have been a feast of ordering out or mindlessly putting food items into the grocery cart, only to get home and realize I haven't bought what I need to cook a complete meal.  I don't think I have paid a bill on time since December, I didn't care that I was being charged late fees.  My son was dead, nothing mattered, I didn't care if the mortgage, utilities or credit card bill was paid on time.  It was only money, and if I didn't pay today- the bill would still be there tomorrow, unpaid.)

I am learning to let go of the anger I have toward people who have disappointed me.

I am learning to make new friends, (even if they are the other parents from our support group, or women from online babyloss forums).

I am learning that the people I thought were going to be my support system aren't.

I am learning to appreciate the small gestures and generosity of the people who do care.

I am learning to let go of the relationships that have been broken since Declan died.

I am learning how to organize a 501(c)3 non-profit organization.  We have established a memorial fund in Declan's honor to supply the hospital with outfits and hats for babies weighing 1-2 lbs who are stillborn. 

I am learning to cherish my husband and appreciate the new depth of our relationship.

I am learning to trust my instincts.  Something I didn't do while I was pregnant, and will regret for the rest of my life.

I am learning to declutter my life, and all aspects of it; my mind, my heart, my home.

I am learning to take care of myself.  I have given myself permission to protect my heart from hurtful and viscious people, words, and situations.

But most importantly I am learning how to live without my son, Declan.


~Corrine

The Ultrasound Appointment

The Ultrasound Appointment

            We settled into the room with the kids.  The lights were dim, and Makenna and Jonathan were looking at the posters of pregnant women on the wall and started asking questions.  We explained what we could, while the ultrasound technician entered my information into the computer.  When she was ready she asked me to lay on the table, and Brian sat in the chair behind my head.  He was trying to have the kids sit on his lap, but Jonathan kept trying to get down and explore the room.  Makenna got scared when the technician applied the gel to my belly, so we explained that it wouldn’t hurt me, and then she got nervous because she didn’t want to see the baby’s skeleton bones.  We reassured her it wouldn’t be scary, it was just a picture on the tv.  The technician told us she was going to start taking measurements, and then we’d get to the fun stuff afterwards.  When she put the wand on my belly, applied pressure and the baby didn’t move, I knew.  But I stayed quiet and desperately watched the screen.  When the baby’s profile was visible and I could see his spine and the shape of his head, I saw there was no blip of a heartbeat in his chest and I knew.  I wanted to ask the woman to stop, so I could take Brian’s hand and tell him our baby had died, but I didn’t, I couldn’t.  A few more minutes went by and we watched the images on the screen as Makenna and Jonathan asked, “What is that? What is that now?”  And we answered, “I don’t know yet we have to wait.”  I listened to the clicking of the keyboard as the technician typed and continued to take measurements.  Then she paused, and I looked at the expression on her face and my fear became reality.  She put the ultrasound wand down, and covered my belly with the paper sheet and very quietly said, “I’m afraid I don’t have very good news.”

“I know.” I said.

“I don’t see a heartbeat.” She told me.

“I know.” I said.

“I’m so sorry.” She replied.

Brian noticed we were whispering and told Makenna and Jonathan to hush and asked what was going on.  And the technician said, “I’m so sorry, I don’t see a heartbeat, I’m so sorry.”  He said, “What? I don’t understand. What? How does this happen?  I don’t understand.”  The technician told us she was going to get the doctor to come in and talk to us, and she walked out of the room.  Brian told me he was sorry, and then we started to cry.

The Specialist came into the room and looked at the monitor.  He and the technician talked technical talk and the only thing I remember hearing him say to her was, “Yeah, see the collapse there?”  He sat down next to me and said, “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat.  I’m guessing you felt movement recently?”  I told him the last time I can definitively say I felt something was Wednesday.  I didn’t know if the baby had moved yesterday.  He said from what he could tell, the baby had died fairly recently, within the last day or so.  He told me that we would go into his office to discuss what happens next.  Then he left the room.  The technician kept apologizing, and I kept saying, ”It’s OK.”  It felt strange to have her apologize and then have to comfort her.  She seemed genuinely distraught by what was happening.  She was helping us relocate to the Specialist’s office and as I walked out of the room I turned around and asked her, “Do you have any of the images saved?  Can you print some out?  Can I have some?”  She said, “Yes, of course I can print what I have, I’m afraid I don’t have very good views, but I have something.”  I must have caught her off guard.  I’m guessing most people don’t ask to have an ultrasound image after they’ve been told that their baby has died.   I thought it was odd that it wasn’t offered, and that I had to ask for them.

  As we walked through the hall to the Specialists office, I heard him instructing one of the nurses to call my doctor to alert him of the situation.  When he finally came into the room, he told us that we needed to go home and call my doctor to find out what he wanted us to do.  He said that since it was Christmas Weekend, my doctor might be out of town and he might want me to wait until Monday or Tuesday to be induced.  He told us that since he felt the baby had died recently, there was no medical reason why I couldn’t wait until I went into labor naturally.  It wasn’t dangerous for me to continue my daily activities while carrying a ‘deceased fetus’.    Ugh, that phrase just made my stomach churn.  I now had to walk out of the office and go home knowing I had a dead baby inside me.  I had to go to the hospital and endure labor to deliver my dead baby.  It was gross, it was sad, it was uncomfortable.  The weight in my body felt heavier than what I felt before.  But I was calm, I was aware of everything that was happening.  The Specialist offered his condolences again, and we walked to the waiting room.  As we were leaving the nurse asked if we needed to make another appointment and I said, “No Thank You.”

We put on our coats and walked to the car.  We held hands and we both cried during the drive home. 

December (25 wks - 25 wks, 4 days)

December  (25 wks - 25 wks, 4 days)

            12.19 (25 wks)- Today is Tyler’s 12^th birthday, he opened his birthday presents and we went for breakfast at Butterfield’s.  We dropped Brian off at home so he could sleep, while I drove my nephew home.  We stayed to eat lunch and let the kids play for a little while.  We came home in time for my sister Colleen to pick up Tyler and take him out for a birthday dinner.  I gave Makenna and Jonathan baths, put them to bed, and did some laundry.  When Colleen brought Tyler home she stayed to chat.  I remember telling her, “Something feels different about this pregnancy, I’m so tired and I feel so heavy.”  And she said, “Yeah, you’re old, you’re taking care of two kids, and Tyler’s in hockey and Brian was just in the hospital.”  I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the back of the couch.  Then she asked, “Are you ok?  You look uncomfortable.”       I said, “I am.”  She moved over and sat next to me on the couch to feel my belly.  I told her that I didn’t think the baby was as active as the other kids at this point in my pregnancy and that I was going to mention it to my doctor at my next visit.  This was the date of my originally rescheduled ultrasound.

            12.20 (25 wks, 1 day)-  Today Brian and I took Makenna and Jonathan to see The Muppets Movie.  It was the second movie Makenna had seen in the theater, and Jonathan’s first.  I felt the baby move while we were in the theater.

            12.21 (25 wks, 2 days)- Today was Brian’s second day off so it was a busy day.  We went shopping to buy Tyler new shoes, ate lunch at PJ’s, Tyler and I got haircuts, then we drove up to Wauconda for a ballet exercise bar.  I was hoping the exercises would help alleviate some of the pain from my sciatic nerve.  From there we drove to Park Ridge to buy a set of newborn cloth diapers.  I had some pressure and cramping while we were driving in the car but attributed it to the fact we were busy all day.  We got home, ate dinner, put the kids to bed and when I laid down to sleep, my belly relaxed and the pressure subsided.

            12.22 (25 wks, 3 days)-  Today we finished our Christmas shopping.  On our way home Brian called his mom to see if we could stop by to wish her a happy birthday.  Aunt Barb, Karen and Kim L. were already there.  We stayed to have lunch and when Aunt Barb was leaving she gave me a hug and said, “I won’t touch your belly, I know some women don’t like that.”  And I said, “You can touch my belly, I don’t mind sharing it.”  I lifted up my shirt and she rubbed my belly and bent down to say, “Hello baby, can’t wait to meet you.”  We left to take Brian home so he could sleep, and I drove Tyler to his friend’s house for a sleepover.   I came home, fed the kids dinner (since I wasn’t hungry yet), and started their bath.  While they were in the tub my friend Tracy called to remind me that I had to call her as soon as I was done with the ultrasound to tell her if the baby was a boy or a girl because she wanted to go out and buy an outfit for the baby.  I laughed and told her we didn’t know if we would find out & it would all depend on whether the baby cooperated.  After I finished my conversation with her I read books to the kids, turned on the Christmas music, and sat in the rocking chair while they fell asleep.  Brian came in their room to give us goodnight kisses and left for work.  I was rocking in the chair when I realized the baby wasn’t moving, so I stopped rocking and put my hands on my belly for a few minutes and waited, but nothing happened.  It was unusual for the baby not to move when I stopped rocking, and I had a feeling something was wrong.  I tried to think if I had felt the baby move during the day, but I couldn’t.  I tried to convince myself that I hadn’t paid attention because we were busy.  The kids had fallen asleep so I got up and took a shower, and still didn’t feel anything.   I thought maybe it was because I hadn’t eaten dinner yet, so I made something to eat and took it into the bedroom to watch tv.  I didn’t feel the baby move while I was eating, so I waited a few minutes with my hands on my belly, hoping to feel something; but there was nothing.  I turned off the tv and the lights and laid in bed with my hands on my belly desperately hoping to feel a kick or a somersault, but when I didn’t I knew something was wrong.  I wanted to call Brian and tell him I wasn’t feeling the baby move, but I didn’t want to worry or distract him.  Instead I laid alone in bed all night with my hands on my belly waiting.

            12.23 (23 wks, 4 days)-  I got out of bed when my alarm went off, and went in the kitchen to make coffee for when Brian got home.  I got dressed and stood in the bathroom trying to figure out how to tell Brian the baby wasn’t moving.  When he got home, he changed his clothes and we were standing in the kitchen drinking our coffee and I told him, “I’m trying not to be paranoid, but I haven’t felt the baby move.”  And he told me, “Don’t be paranoid, everything’s fine.”  I wanted so badly to believe him, but I knew it wasn’t fine.  I drank a glass of orange juice, hoping to wake the baby up, while Brian went to get Makenna and Jonathan out of bed.  We dressed them and left at 7:30a, with plans to go out for breakfast afterwards.

  We got to the ultrasound office at 8:15a, I went in back to get weighed and measured, and when I came back to the waiting room Brian said, “Thank you for being a pretty pregnant lady, I mean thank you for always taking care of yourself and not looking miserable.  I know you don’t always feel great when you’re pregnant, but these women are rough.”  While I was gone he had scanned the room and noticed that most of the women were there in their pajamas, and their hair was tied up in ratty ponytails.  Every one of them looked uncomfortable and unhappy, or like they had just gotten out of bed.  I giggled at the expression on his face and whispered, “You’re welcome, you’re lucky I don’t like to look like an ugly hag on purpose.”  We laughed at the silliness of what we were talking about.  Then the nurse called my name and we went in back to our ultrasound room.

December (22-24 wks)

December (22-24 wks)

            Brian started back on midnights at the beginning of the month.  Tyler’s hockey schedule was in full swing. I was home with Makenna and Jonathan, nothing about our daily lives was out of the ordinary.  Except that I felt like I was 8 months pregnant instead of 6 months.  My sciatic nerve was so irritated that I couldn’t stand for long periods of time, I couldn’t pick up Jonathan to change his diaper, and sometimes my leg would give out as I stood up from a sitting position.  I didn’t schedule a prenatal office visit at the beginning of this month because I figured it would be the same routine as the others, I would get weighed, measured and hear the heartbeat.  We would just wait until after the ultrasound appointment, that way my doctor would have the results and we’d have something to discuss.

            On December 10^th, we went to my sister Cathy’s house for her cookie exchange party.  We had a nice time visiting with family members and the friends that we only get to see a few times a year.  Later that week a family conflict occurred that caused a great deal of stress for myself and other family members.

On December 14^th, I had so much cramping and back pain that I spent most of the day laying on the couch.  Thankfully Makenna and Jonathan like pb&j sandwiches, because I could barely stand long enough to make them lunch.  

The ultrasound office called me on December 16^th and told me they needed to change my appointment because they had a scheduling conflict.  I had a feeling that I should try to keep that date, and the little voice inside my head said, “tell them you would feel more comfortable keeping the appointment.”  But of course I didn’t listen to my instinct; I said, “Sure that’s fine, what’s 4 more days?”

            December 17^th we went to Brian’s brother’s house for the Cookie Decorating/Ugly Sweater Party.  I was tired, but that wasn’t unusual.  Brian won the Sweater Ornament and chocolate money prizes for having the best outfit.  My nephew came home with us that night to spend the weekend with us since it was Tyler’s birthday on December 19th.

              

November (18-21 wks)

November (18-21 weeks)

            My 3^rd prenatal appointment was November 1^st, Brian and the kids came with me but they fell asleep just before we pulled into the office parking lot.  Brian stayed in the car while they slept. When I called him to let him know it was time to hear the heartbeat, he said that Jonathan had pee’d through his diaper and pants so he didn’t want to bring him in the office in just his diaper.  So we decided that he would hear the heartbeat at the next appointment.

            Tyler and Makenna loved to put their hands on my belly and feel the baby move.  Jonathan wasn’t patient enough to keep his hands on my belly and wait for the kicks so he would put his face right up to my belly and yell, “Hey baby! Want a Slurpee?!”  Makenna at one point told Brian’s mom that she felt the oatmeal move in my tummy.  Brian said his mom either didn’t catch the comment or didn’t hear it since she’s deaf in one ear!

            On November 12^th, Brian woke up feeling ill, and started to vomit.  After 6 hours of being sick he asked me to drive him to the hospital.  We arrived at 2:30pm and by 6:30pm he was in surgery for an emergency Appendectomy.  My mom watched the kids overnight and I stayed with Brian in the hospital.  While Brian was hospitalized, I drove back and forth to the hospital several times a day.  I usually went in the morning with Makenna and JP, after Tyler had left for school.  I went back in the afternoon after the kids had lunch and naps, back home for Tyler after school, helped him with homework, made dinner and got the kids ready for bed.  Then I went back to the hospital in the evening, by myself or with Tyler; while someone watched Makenna and Jonathan.   During this time I had a lot of cramping and pressure but it always subsided if I laid down to rest.  My 20 week ultrasound was scheduled for the week Brian was hospitalized so I rescheduled for the earliest available appointment on December 19^th.    When Brian came home from the hospital and had a few days to recover we told our families that we were having another baby. Some of the reactions were:

“Really?  Are you serious?”

“You’re kidding right?!”

“Four kids, wow! Four kids, I can’t believe it.”

“So, you and Brian decided to have another baby to try and qualify for financial aid?”

“I already knew, I was just waiting until you felt comfortable making the announcement.”

“Don’t you believe in birth control?”

“I’m so excited! Just think next year at Thanksgiving there’s going be a highchair at the table, we’re going to have a baby in a highchair.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I’m going to be holding him all day, or her, it might be a her!”

            The last one is courtesy of my sister-in-law Karen and is of course my favorite reaction!

            Since my family decided to go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving and  I knew that Makenna and Jonathan would not sit well for 2-1/2 hours or more in a restaurant, so we spent Thanksgiving with Brian’s family at his sister’s house.  That weekend I brought in all the boxes of Christmas decorations by myself, because Brian was still restricted from lifting and I didn’t have anyone else who could help me.  And Tyler had several hockey games since his team had entered into a tournament that weekend.  I ended the month of November and started December feeling completely exhausted.

           

October (14-17 wks)

October  (14-17 wks)

            We celebrated Brian’s Birthday by practically giving ourselves carbon monoxide poisoning.  While I was cooking dinner, Brian went to the store to get a few ingredients, my oven stopped working.  The burner went out but continued to pump natural gas.  The kids were playing in their rooms and I was reading on the couch in the living room.  I didn’t smell the fumes because the windows in the kitchen and living room were open.  When Brian came home he was very concerned since he could smell the gas outside when he got out of the car.  We shut off the gas line, opened all the windows, packed up dinner and the cat and finished cooking at my parents’ house.

            Our 10^th Anniversary was on Oct 6th.  I was hoping Brian was going to surprise me by planning a little gathering of family and friends to celebrate our Anniversary and then we could “surprise” them with our news, but he had just started a new job so there wasn’t any time for planning.  We did celebrate by going out to breakfast with the kids, which was fun.

            I still had a lot of Sciatic nerve pain, but I was starting to feel the baby move, so that was very exciting.  I had several of the same symptoms that I did when I was pregnant with Makenna so I thought this baby would be a girl.  Although whenever I mentioned the baby I always referred to him as “he” or “him”.  That should have been my clue.

            On Oct 22^nd, we celebrated Makenna’s Birthday with a breakfast a Butterfields. 

            We went to Kim’s for her Halloween party, on the 29^th, and joined Alex for trick or treating at Brian’s parents’ house on the 31^st since it was a Monday.  My 3^rd prenatal visit was scheduled for Halloween but we needed to reschedule for November 1^st.      

September (9-13 wks)

September  (9-13 wks)

My sciatic nerve started bothering me very early in this pregnancy, in fact almost immediately.  Besides that discomfort everything about my pregnancy was fine.  We had a Labor Day ‘UnBarbeque’ with our families and a few friends.  We nicknamed our party ‘the unbarbeque’ shortly into the event because the original evite was for a BBQ, but when my father arrived he was quite confused by our menu of sandwiches and kept commenting that he was under the impression that we were going to be serving grilled food.  I had to explain to him that because it was so hot that day I didn’t want Brian to get overheated by standing at the grill.

Brian, Makenna, and JP came with for my second prenatal appointment.  But the kids fell asleep just before we arrived at the doctor’s office, so Brian stayed in the car with them while they slept.  I called him when it was time to listen to the baby’s heartbeat, but he didn’t answer his phone.  It took Dr. R quite some time to get the Doppler in the right spot to hear the heartbeat because the baby was moving so much.  Every time he thought he had it, the baby would move again!  I remember he was laughing so hard while he was trying to track the baby, he said, “Man this kid just won’t sit still!”  He was able to find a spot and I was able to hear the heartbeat for about 3 seconds before the baby moved again.   I wasn’t able to record it on my phone, since it was so brief.  My phone rang just as I was getting off the table, and Dr. R said, “You want me to do it again so Brian can hear?”  And Brian said, “No, that’s alright, I’ll catch it next time.”  Dr. R said, “Are you sure?”  And I told him, “No that’s ok, he’ll come in next time.

On September 28^th, we celebrated my 35^th birthday.  Two days later I found out my cousin who is 4 months older than me had suffered a stroke on my birthday.  That event made me realize that Brian and I needed to prioritize legal paperwork and we needed to choose who would be legal guardians of our kids if something happened to us.  That’s when the stress began; Who was going to want to take on the responsibility of raising our 4 children?!